She cried from her high window sill
Up in her tower room.
Where is it love, you hide from me,
Upon that barren moon?

A vow, before you took your leave
You would return, and soon
But what has come of my cosmonaut
High upon the moon?

Far above, he directs his gaze to Earth
Wishing, wasting on the dunes
Haunted by the thought of his true love
Somewhere beneath the moon

My comrades rest beneath the sun
To dust their bodies hewn
And I languish for my lover fair
Trapped on this barren moon

My ship lies wrecked on Rümker’s Ridge
In dust its guts are strewn
It will never leave the blasted rocks
And vales of the barren moon

If I could but escape these chains
That gravity has hewn
And sail down to my lover fair
Escape this hated moon

No! No longer will I languish here
I’ll walk out into the noon
And join the dust beneath the rays
My comrades’ dusty tomb

This really comes into its own in the last two stanzas, the piece suddenly develops a rhythm and a fluidity that it's lacking up until then. I will admit my bias; i loathe rigid rhyming schemes and I feel, as wonderful as the sentiment is throughout the beginning and middle, the poem suffers for that rigidity. It could almost be a near-villainelle level of discipline, but for the end of the 7th. The word "tomb" just jars.

And there has to be a synonym for barren.

This sounds like a thorough mockery, don't take it as such. I really enjoyed the concept, the age-old story of fighting/losing for love in adversity. Just a thought...

Instead, sun-blind, he stumbled, fell
Into the dell of alien runes
They changed him into liquid light
Unchained him from the moon

Transformed again once back on Earth
He with his lover does commune
And they love again beside the waves
Beneath the barren moon

--
Danny 101: Less of a cautionary tale, more of a fucking fairytale.
Read this. For all our sakes

Thank you for your critique. To answer some of your questions/comments:

I followed a rigid rhyming scheme because I am trying to build a foundation in poetry. The poem may suffer for it, and I will most likely revise the scheme at some point, but I'm trying to follow a strict ballad style with quite a few limitations for now; the rhyme scheme is part of my efforts to control rigidity before moving on to near rhymes/slant rhymes, etc.

I'm glad that the rhyme for "tomb" jarred you. That was intentional. If contemplating suicide by burning to death isn't set off by something jarring, then I've failed as a poet.

Yes, I will replace "barren" in some of the stanzas. It does get repetitive. After writing about fifteen stanzas with the same refrain, I knew I had to switch them up, but the task obviously remains unfinished. Thanks again.

--
Yes, adequately disturbing.

whoa its awesome! nice job

--
O YEAH!
-kool aid man jumps through the wall-
me: OH NO! I just had that wall painted. you get back out there and fix that wall! FIX THAT WALL!!!
-kool aid man walks away slowly-
-throws spork at him- FIX THE GODDAMN WALL!!!

fair call.

And congratulations.

--
Danny 101: Less of a cautionary tale, more of a fucking fairytale.
Read this. For all our sakes

i don't exactly have advanced critique.. and you probably don't care.. but this is really something to amaze people. reminds me of things my autistic uncle used to tell me.. don't take that as an insult, he is amazing haha

--
Oh admiration, in falling asleep..

Congratulations on the DD!

As said earlier, maybe a few other words for barren? Maybe desolate or something?
But I don't really think this should be changed, as its a fantastic poem already.


--
" Take . a . L O O K . at . the .
g a l l e r y . of . a . y o u n g . p h o t o g r a p h e r . ? .
(( [link] ))



_.

_{I love it, what an awesome story.}

--
_{Art||Traditional||Stock}

I don't think I've ever favved a poem before...

--
-Spooky
"This is my art, and it is dangerous!
Do you really think I want to die like this??"
- Delia Deetz, "Beetlejuice"

Your hard work paid off! This is amazing.